Time Is Light- Free

My time I have spent knowing Darcy, may to all of you seem like about a year or two. Acctually it has been more than that. I feel like I try to show signs of my affection and try to make things move along. I have done completely the opposite, refusing his proposal, insulting him, embarrassing him and pushing him away. To me this has all felt like minutes. Time is like light, you can see it pass you by or on your skin, you can feel it change you, but ultimately it is free. You can not catch light or time, but you must enjoy the moments you have with it. I could learn a lot from this philosophy.

The World Around Me Is Grey While I Am Red.

This world the forces greater than me chose to put me in lacks color, originality. I begin to think I must be for another time, to be born to a family of philosophers, writers, day dreamers. I do love my family but I am red while they and the world around us is grey. The matter of such important things to me, marriage, love, ideas, thinking, has no value in the world in which I struggle in. My sisters hold no value I do, maybe Mary, but then she is in her own world. My parents are loving but fail to see what me and my sisters really need. I am surrounded by fake people with malicious ambition. The only other person with color I have seen all my life is the one I thought was the most opposite of me, I turned out wrong, Mr. Darcy.

Pathetic

I am sorry to say I found In my presence a pathetic little weasel. This weasel's name is no other than Mr. Collins. Short in stature, dull in mind, low in confidence, and lacking looks, this man has become the laughing stock in my family once again. He bielves his opinion is one we hold dearly and wait for anxiously, when in fact we laughed our way through it and never gave a response, why would we send a response? Better things must be accomplished, like feeding the geese or daydreaming.

Clever Plans

Wickham,

 Props to you Mr. Wickham for finding the holes in caring parents and using their protectiveness against them. Do not act like your act has gone unnoticed. Probably my family has not given it a thought, but I sure have.  You eloped with Lydia, but with no hopes of marrying her. You knew my family would be chasing after her just like all good families will and can do. Then upon finding you you ask for money in order to marry Lydia. My father's reputation and Lydias happiness depends on the money in my Father's pocket. You are, may I say, ingenious, but that comes with  a price, always.

Embarrassment

Lydia, such a foolish and selfish child.  She never seems to think about her actions and how they will affect  her family. Especially me, at such a fragile point in time when I have come so close to Mr Darcy. I fear the worst, that he will never look at me the same again as he did on theta day he proposed. I love lydia but absolutely do not have to like her. Mr. Wickham sure did chose his victim well, he picked the most foolish and silly little girl he could find. Good luck to the both of you, and may your endeavors give me no more harm.

Georgiana

Georgiana is such a sweet girl, always kind and gentle. It bothers e how even though she seems to be quite clever and ingenious she is easily persuaded by Miss. Bingley. Maybe it is because Caroline is close to their family, she is afraid of Caroline, or think good of her. However, this bothers to me to see Caroline's claws in so deep in the Darcy family. My feelings obviously show my emotions towards the Darcys and in particular Mr. Darcy.

Mr. Collins a Total Gentleman

Mr. Collins,

     I am not very surprised that you find it a respectable manner to write a letter to a lady and tell her you are glad you never married me! You feel this way because dear Lydia has eloped with Mr. Wickham, I have no money, and am not very educated in your eyes. May I tell you Mr. Collins that you are the last man I would ever think of marrying even if I was forced too. You disgust me in every manner and habit you have and your thoughts, looks, personality, and estate bring me no pleasure whats so ever. So if you will, stop writing me "flattering" letters.

A Not So Welcome Surprise

     Lydia has somehow managed to marry Mr. Wickham. How she did it, I can not imagine. I finally know, I did not know Wickham in the slightest bit. I though the man was my friend and I knew at least his basic wants in life. As it turns out he was after money, which is obviously why he decided to marry Lydia. Lydia is the most detached from reality and probably thinks Wickham is her "knight in shinning armor." I am again surprised at how my life never seem to quiet down and be normal. But whenever I get the chance it presents its self with a new awful surprise. Oh Lydia, have my teachings never been of use to you?

Mr. Wickham and Mr. Darcy

The journey my opinion has gone on is astounding. I'm sure all of you can remember when I thought the world of Mr. Wickham. I thought he was a hard working gentleman who was unfairly treated by the world and mostly Mr. Darcy. I thought Mr. Wickham would protect my family and I if need be, and I am embarrassed to say I may have fallen for him a little. I used to think Darcy was a monster pridefull, cold, insulting, and a heart breaker. I despised this man more that I actually knew why. Now my opinion has grown up and gone to the moon and back. Mr. Wickham is a liar, two faced, scoundrel who eloped with my younger sister, and gambled away most of his life. Darcy is a kind, deep, and intelligent man who was the one protecting my family and I in the long run. Everything I do that should push Darcy away only brings him closer. Which makes me ask myself, " What reason has Darcy not given for me to fall in love with him, why do I resist so stubbornly?"

Another Weakness

While at Pemberley, I received two letters from Jane stating that Lydia has run off with Mr. Wickham! I became a mess all at once, crying, pleading, and finding support in Mr. Darcy. What he must think of my family know. Another weakness he can put on the chart of why not to marry the Bennets. We have no money, our family is not well brought up, we are not as educated as the rest of Britain, and our younger sister tend to elope with the worst of men! But how Darcy comforted me. he was patient, gentle, and strong all at once. The way his eyes pleaded with mine saying, "Everything will be alright, I will take care of it." Mr. Darcy has been misjudged by me, and I am starting to realize life is unbearable without him.

Hidden Monster

   Caroline Bingley is an interesting character. At first glimpse she may seem charming and a decent person to talk to. When I first met here I was intimidated, for I thought she was more educated, clever, and powerful than I. I was wrong. After getting to know her I drew back the curtain on her act and found a jealous and scared monster. I no longer felt intimidated by her and no longer put up a fuss about her continuous insults. For I knew them to come from a threatened state of mind, where I was the one threatening her. Mr. Darcy is the center of her life and without him Caroline would be extremely lost and forgotten. When Darcy's eyes fell and stayed upon me, of course Caroline felt threatened. So when Darcy called me extremely beautiful today, I could only expect an attack from Caroline. Typical.

Mr. Darcy and His Beloved Sister

 While on my visit to Pemberley, I noticed something that made me not shocked but almost blissfully content. Darcy's closest companions, Georgiana, the maids, the butlers, and land workers, all seem quite fond of Mr. Darcy stating that he is the best and kindest landlord and brother there is to be had. This high opinion of Darcy I take to be true, no one would know him better then those so close to him. This makes me doubt my judgment over Mr. Darcy, and somehow I am glad. Maybe I am glad that he is a truly kind man, or an exceptional brother, or and even more exceptional spouse.

Something More

     I find the beauty of Dracy's protectiveness over his sister intriguing. The way he talks about her, the gentleness yet strong pride in his voice sends my eyes wandering over his face in questioning. This man is not just the pridefull, silent, cold, man most people make him out to be. There is defiantly something more. I catch glimpses of this second Darcy in the way he holds himself, the flicker of his eyes when he talk to me, the strength of his hands when dancing with me, the way his posture changes when noticing I am in the room. I am intrigued my this new character I am starting to seem more of. I only wish that I could break the barrier between us socially, so that I could see the real Darcy. The one who cares so tenderly for his sister, or defends justly against Wickham, or is loyal to Bingley, and yet still has place left for me. I only wish I could admit to myself my feelings for him. Somehow I believe I will never be able to do so.

I Am Quick to Judge

Mr. Darcy sent me a letter earlier today regarding the actions of Mr. Wickham. For now I realize that Wickham was an untrue character. I believed him, for no reason at all, I took his words against Mr. Darcy to heart and wore my dislike against Darcy on my sleeve. I am ashamed with myself, actually more embarrassed, for now I must seem to Darcy as a naive child, not a witty woman. Mr. Wickham will no longer be welcome in my presence, I do not respect him in the slightest. I just hope Darcy's opinion of me has not shifted to drastically; however, I can not find fault in him if it is to be true. Darcy was never quick to judge me, but all it takes for my judgement to fall hard is a smiling man on a horse. The embarrassment.

The Gravity of My Thoughts

Jane,

  I hope your stay has treated you very well, and I hope you find yourself content in that living arrangement. I can not tell you how confused and angry, melancholy, and scared I am. I thought me refusing Darcy was what I wanted, what was supposed to happen. Now that I glance out of my window most of the time, admiring the daisies and the setting, all I can think about is him, who he is thinking about, where he is, if he is thinking about me. Or possibly another girl. My chest feels heavy and I have to shove the ideas out of my head and stroll  around the room, just to get me breathing again. Is this how you feel about Bingley? You look so happy when around each other, but I cannot say the same about  Darcy and I. I am so confused and frightened that my heart is saying one thing while me head is screaming another. The gravity of my thoughts will soon put an end  to me if I do not relieve them soon.

The Nerve!

  So there I am enjoying the weather, contemplating on my extremely irrational feelings for someone I have just met. I hear something or someone behind me, I see Mr. Darcy begging for something I couldn't understand. The poor man was not himself; vulnerable, nervous, and confused. I finally understood, he was professing his "desire" and "love" he had for me! Why would I be in the least flattered that he was asking for my hand in marriage. Definitely not his manner towards me, how he makes me feel so inferior, or towards any of the people in this town. Or the fact that he liked me against his character and better judgment.  However,according to him the last thing I was on his mind was "tolerable"! How dare he belittle me in such a fashion, embarrass me in front of crowds by calling me tolerable, and practically ruining my sister's life! Him and his old money, he thinks that one day he can ruin people's self esteem and the next get down on one knee, propose, and expect the other poor person will say yes just because of their bank account and high social standing! 

   I have been keeping myself alive, and educated, for the past several years without Darcy, so why does he suddenly believe that money should be his #1 reason in convincing me to marry him.